One of the scariest and most thrilling things I’ve ever done

Courageousness is necessary for us to grow. How can we discover more of who we are if we never try the scary thing that calls to us?

This year, I focused a lot on my relationship with my body. I prioritized working out, hiring a somatic body coach, physical therapy for an injury, and writing about my existence in a disabled body and how it’s evolved from a diagnosis to a proud identity. I have already done a significant amount of work improving my relationship with my body over the years, and yet being injured and experiencing pain in new ways, even temporarily, still challenges my beliefs, identities, and the care I hold for myself.

In November, in prep for my upcoming birthday, I asked myself what is the most thrilling thing I can imagine myself experiencing and would regret not getting to experience in my life? In my gut, the frightening but obvious answer: a boudoir photo shoot! It was the perfect way to celebrate my body - something I am still learning how to do.

It wasn’t without hesitation. This was what I would have considered very out-of-character for me. I was not comfortable baring a lot of skin or even using “sexy” to describe myself. But I decided I was going to do it, so signed up for a consultation with a local photographer I had met recently, Katie Karlberg of Renaissance Room Boudoir.

And then I freaked out. My nervous system went haywire. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t stop sweating. In my mind was telling myself “this is going to be fun!” but my body was reacting like “I am in grave danger!”

My somatic body coach, Amy Kubanek, helped me realize what was coming up was fear for my social safety. My inner bully was saying all the things I had been conditioned to believe growing up: “Well as long as you don’t reveal too much you’ll be ok. You can be pretty but you shouldn’t be sexy. Or at least don’t give people the idea you are trying to be sexy. If you do, people will get the wrong idea about you and lose respect for you. If people get the wrong idea about you and don’t respect you, you’ll be an outcast and say goodbye to your family and friends…”

Because of these internal messages I had been taught to believe, I knew I wanted to do this to challenge them. Listening to these messages only further stigmatizes the things I’ve been taught I need to hide about myself to be acceptable, palatable, and respectable. Challenging those beliefs with a photo shoot made the idea of it even more thrilling. If I’m going to do a sexy photo shoot, I’m going to do it my way.

I told my photographer, Katie, I want to do this because I’ve learned there are parts of me that need to be hidden, that are shameful. I want to show that we can be sexy and embrace all the parts of us were taught to hide. Flex my muscles (take up space!). Show off my hearing aids (be disabled!). Embrace body hair (be natural!). Katie was the opposite of judgmental. She was my ultimate cheerleader and hype woman. When I told her my vision, she was pumped! 

Then, I did something even more unexpected: I posted about my plans on Instagram. I knew if someone was going to judge me, even my mother, they were welcome to unfollow me. I don’t know if that happened because I don’t pay much attention to how many people are unfollowing me BUT I was notified about all the people who supported me with likes and reached out to say they were excited for me. Even if I posted it and got crickets for a reaction, I would still be proud of myself for doing yet another seemingly scary and courageous thing for myself. And I encouraged others to do the scary, courageous thing that excites them too.

A few weeks later, it was the morning of my photoshoot. I hadn’t slept well the night before because my mind was racing with intrusive thoughts of all the things that could go wrong. When I did sleep, my dreams were about my skin peeling off from a rock climbing incident and my oozy wounds making my photos appalling. In another dream I was at an onsite photoshoot in Paris with the Olson twins when they were kids and had to compete to be deemed worthy to model for photos. I woke up with relief I didn’t have gaping flesh wounds nor in a competition with the young Olsen twins.

When I arrived for the shoot with all my outfits, accessories, and ideas ready to go, my nerves were surprisingly calm. In the few weeks since I decided to do the shoot, despite my worrying the night before, I had done a lot of work leading up to this point to prepare myself and self-regulate my nervous system. There was still a buzz rumbling beneath the surface but it was more of an excitement than an anxiety. I still had lots of self-judgmental thoughts I was trying to fight off, but they weren’t going to stop me at that point. While the hair and makeup artist did her thing, we chatted with the photographer, and with the final sips of my cozy cup of tea, we were ready to go. 

Within a minute of my first few poses, I was feeling more calm and more excited that I was finally doing it. I was afraid I was going to need to do some acting, to pretend to be someone I’m not to appear “sexy” but I didn’t have to. I was relieved to have a photographer who only wanted me to do what I was comfortable with. I could just be myself in a safe space where my body was the celebrated subject of this art, as it is. 

I recently read that “Photography means painting with light” (from The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking). This is how it felt as I was standing in a black room with a chair and adjustable light, being guided into poses that would make sure all the things I wanted to call attention to were being painted with light. To have an artist, a skillful photographer, be inspired by your body and energy to capture it as art, it can help you see your beauty in a way you may not have seen it before.

I was happy with the photos. I was happy with my experience. I happily found a new friend in my photographer Katie. I would not change one thing!

And yet, in the days after the photoshoot, I had one unexpected emotion bubble up to the surface: disappointment. And then the meta feelings of being disappointed I was feeling disappointed. Without realizing it, I had set some wildly unrealistic expectations for myself - expectations that in doing this one scary thing, the boudoir photoshoot, I would somehow feel completely unleashed and fearless in all other aspects of my life.

When I acknowledged to myself these expectations were unfair, I was able to let them go and be compassionate about still having fears in my life and business. No experiences in life need the added pressure of being the one singular transformative, spiritual ascendence into enlightenment and unlimited fearlessness! Just because I overcame one big fear doesn’t mean all others just evaporate into thin air. At least now I know allowing myself to be scared while doing something I want, that feels intuitively right for me in the moment, and I set as few expectations about the outcome as possible, I can just enjoy and learn from whatever comes.

I know I will tackle each fearful or courageous opportunity as it comes. When I look back, my life is rich with experiences of overcoming fearful moments. I’m proud to see how together those moments make me a courageous, bold badass who’s learning and embodying new ways to be kind to herself.

YOU are a courageous, kind badass too! If you need help seeing it, let me show you. Working with me means you’ll get what you need to let your voice be heard, be the change, challenge the status quo, or leap into the new thing. Learn more about working together.